Much like marriage, the first few years of your professional career can be exciting and stressful at the same time. You’ve probably completed a few internships and are ready for some more serious responsibilities, yet you are asked to proof read other’s work or do other tasks you feel you have outgrown. Well as much as I wanted to think I could run my own department right out of college I have to admit that nothing trumps experience. You can be smart, hard working and ambitious, and all these things will help your career but until you’ve worked in the professional world for a few years you still have to prove yourself. And that is where the conflict between your professional life and your personal relationship comes in.

In the past young employees were expected to be the ones who stayed late to finish projects or to travel because they didn’t have families at home that depend on them (let’s leave the mommy tracking topic for my next post). But what if you do have a family – just because you don’t have kids does not mean you don’t have a family. And what if, you are (gasp) one of those people who actually enjoys spending time with your significant other? This is where the proverbial work-life balance dance that so many of our older colleagues talk about becomes important.  You have to figure out what your own balance is and what works for your family and a lot of that depends on how far you want to go in your career. Now that isn’t a judgment at all, not everyone wants to be a VP or a CEO and there is nothing wrong with that (I tell myself more than anyone). When I first graduated college my goal was to someday be a CEO. I didn’t care what the company was, but my personality dictates that I be the best at everything I do. I don’t like the idea of not working to be at the top. This is one of the reasons I got such good grades in college, it is also the reason I give myself anxiety stomachaches.

Anyway, as I gained more experience and saw more of the corporate world I realized I didn’t want to be a CEO. My family is important to me and I noticed that CEOs have to work – A LOT. That isn’t what I want. I want a successful fulfilling career, and I think I can have that by getting to a level that has a good amount of responsibility but without being the boss of an entire company.

The other thing you need when trying to balance career advancement and a happy relationship is an understanding spouse. It is going to be difficult to discuss having to work late several nights in a row to a  husband who doesn’t value your career. A big part of having a supportive spouse is also having a spouse who not only cares about you but has his or her own interests. That way while you are working late he or she can be doing something they enjoy. This will also create a more rewarding relationship because you will have things to talk about other than work! (I think you should have your own hobby as well, it is important that your life isn’t all about work and your relationship).

At the beginning of this post I said that I never regretted getting married when I did, and I meant it. So you have to ask yourself if being married young makes it difficult to grow your career than how is it possible that I never even for a second regretted it. Well the truth is there are advantages to being a young married professional – the largest of which is being able to relate and have something in common with your older co-workers. Traditionally this benefit only existed for men who could complain about the old ball and chain with the other guys at work. Also, employers view married men as valuable because they have families to support, while married women are probably going to just have a baby and they have to get home to make dinner anyway. Well I’ve noticed this isn’t as true as it once was. Most of my bosses have been married women, and there is something about being married that makes people assume you are either a)older than you are or b) mature for your age. I’ll take either of those assumptions in the workplace any day.

How about you? Does anyone have any thoughts on why it is difficult or helpful to your career to be in a serious relationship?

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The baby boomer generation tends to be more confrontational about issues such as sexual harassment and equality in the workplace. When an employer discriminated against them they made sure management knew about it and if that didn’t work they would sue for equal pay, sexual harassment or other infractions. My generation is a little different. We do not expect to spend our entire career, or even the majority of our career at one organization. In fact Millennials feel no guilt about switching jobs. We watched as our parents dedicated themselves to their employer only to be laid off at a moment’s notice to save the company a few thousand dollars. So, if we feel an employer isn’t treating us well, for whatever reason be it our gender or our age, we leave.

There is something to be said for sticking it out and trying to bring about change from within, but in my experience this is a very slow process. What I propose is for Millenials and really all career women, to follow the examples of the Civil Rights Movement *. Instead of trying to convince your current employer that their family leave policies are discriminatory or are detrimental to women’s careers, or try to lobby for flexible work hours without  damaging your career at a company with a rigid time policy – leave.

Here is the concept – if intelligent, accomplished and talented women choose to only work for companies that are supportive of women in the workplace then, not only will these companies continue to thrive (because they are attracting the most talented and career minded women); it will send a message to those companies that do not consider work place equality or policies helpful to women a priority. Just like the boycotts of the Civil Rights Movement sent the message that if you don’t treat African-Americans like everyone else, then we won’t buy your services, eat your food, or purchase your goods, this tactic will show organizations that if they do not treat women well, pay them fair wages, and stop telling women with children that a you can’t have a serious career and children, then we won’t work here. Why will this bother these companies? Because all organizations, no matter what their business is, want to make money. And how do businesses make money? They hire the best employees they can find so that their business runs more efficiently and there is more innovation. If all the most talented and intelligent women chose to work for companies who value women as employees, then other companies will be forced to do the same. So, look at Working Mothers Magazine’s list of Best Companies 2009 for working mothers, and as your career blossoms and you become an in-demand employee, make it a point to work for one of these companies. And when you get there, take advantage of the policies they have – but also continue to work hard, continue to shine, and your career will too!

*Before I receive any comments about comparing women’s struggles in the workforce to the struggles African-Americans faced in this country let me say, I am not suggesting that women today are suffering as much as African Americans did before or during the Civil Rights Movement .  I’m only suggesting that we use some of the same tactics they did to get their point across and affect change.

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If I have several low confidence days in a row I start thinking I picked the wrong career and that I should do something radically different. At one point I thought I should go back to school to be a nurse! Nursing is a great career, and after having to interact with nurses several times over the past year I honestly believe they have one of the hardest jobs in the world.  BUT – I don’t like hurting people? I could never take blood, or hook someone up to an IV.  So what am I thinking, changing careers to become a nurse? I’ll tell you what I am thinking, I am thinking that I am going to fail and that instead of failing I need to run away. I believe it is ok to have this reaction every so often, as long as you don’t give into the urge. I love PR and I think I’m pretty good at it (and I think my current and pass bosses would agree). There are some people who hate their careers so switching isn’t really running away, but if I was to change careers because I didn’t think I was good enough, that is exactly what I would be doing.

What causes low confidence days?

I’m not a psychologist, but I love to pretend I am so here is my best analysis of why low confidence days happen to smart, successful women.  One reason is fear of success; or rather fear that life can’t really be all good. Things are going well, your excelling at your job, when all of a sudden you start thinking “wait, things can’t possibly be this good”.  You are afraid it will all fall apart so you start assuming that you can’t possibly doing as well as you thought you were. Then you start doubting yourself.

That brings us to the second reason – doubt. Women are constantly questioning themselves. Am I a good enough mother? Am I too fat? The list goes on and on. And women’s magazines don’t help. They talk about how to be a better mother and this makes you think you are doing something wrong. You start doubting your abilities and then all of a sudden you think, at any moment I am going to get fired.

The third reason I can think of is the one that applies most to me. It can’t be a coincidence that the most intelligent, driven women I know are the ones afflicted with this self doubt. These women set very high standards for themselves. Often times they expect more from themselves than their employers do, and sometimes these standards aren’t possible to meet.  Then the worst thing in the world happens – something goes wrong, you make a mistake. Suddenly you feel inadequate, like you don’t deserve your job or that you are not good at it. You start dwelling and your inner demon starts in on you “I told you this job was too hard for you. They are going to find out you can’t do this.” Your mind forgets all your past successes and all you can focus on is the failure.

This is what causes my low confidence days. Sometimes, I don’t even need to make a mistake. I just start reflecting on my own performance and then I start thinking about how I could be doing better. I start wondering if others are thinking the same thing about me and POOF! There goes my confidence.

How to combat your inner demon

So how do you combat this inner demon? I can’t tell you how to make her go away for good (mine sounds like my voice with helium) but I can tell you how to quiet her down once she gets going. If the feeling of inadequacy is spurred from a mistake you made the answer is simple. Fix the mistake and move on.  Not that simple, I know, but here is what you do. Make a quick list of all the “wins’ you’ve had in the past week or two. Once you see all you are doing right you’ll feel much better. Plus, this keeps you from dwelling on the mistake. When men make a mistake they admit it and forget it. We can do the same.

If the inner demon pops up because you all you can think of are things you could be doing better, use this to your advantage. Create a plan for how you can improve. Include action items like programs or things you need to learn and then search for seminars and online training tools. Brainstorm ideas on how you could improve the bottom line (depending on what your job is that could mean very different things). This might some time consuming, but it is much more productive than sitting and worrying, or searching for nursing programs you are never going to apply to. Some of my best, most innovative PR ideas have come from these types of anti-worry sessions.

The bottom line is, most of us are harder on ourselves than other people are. Remember, your boss isn’t there to do you any favors. If you weren’t performing up to his or her expectations, they would tell you. 

Oh and one more thing – it always helps to air out your low confidence days with a good friend. It lets you know you aren’t the only one who has these feelings. I think that is one thing that has really helped me – realizing I’m not the only one who does this to myself helps me realize that I’m being too hard on myself. (Thank you Amy!)

Helpful saying (is it arrogant to quote your own saying?)  - I have never failed because failure happens when you make a mistake and give up. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, or had programs that didn’t work as planned, but as long as I learn from it and keep trying I will never truly fail.

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Articles like these are full of stereotypes – here is an example direct from the article:

“Be likeable Women’s gifts for relationships, compassion, connection and empathy make them the more likeable gender. And let’s face it, the workplace is a personality contest too, so likeability is a key factor in success.”

What? How insulting is that to all those likable men out there. And let’s be honest, I’ve worked with some very successful women who were great at what they did but weren’t at all likeable as a person. In fact in some cases they were actually mean! So how can anyone take an article seriously that says be likeable. I’ve stated in past posts that I don’t think you need to be rude to get ahead or to be successful, but the statement that women should be “likable” reeks of an era when women were told not to rock the boat. “don’t say anything if someone treats your poorly, you want to be likeable not thought of as a trouble maker.” It was Laurel Thatcher Ulrich: who said “Well behaved women rarely make history” and I 100% agree with this. Again you don’t need to be a jerk to get ahead, but attempting to be more likeable will get your friends, not necessarily career advancement.

How about this gem?:

Create an appealing package
Studies show that attractive people not only make more money, they are viewed as smarter, more productive, and even kinder than others. Women have an advantage because we have more “visual packaging tools.”
How to package yourself: Don’t mimic the male model — that’s so 20^th century. Use the French women’s model: Dress like a woman and accentuate your best features. If you don’t have the body of a fashion model, do something wonderful with your hair and clothing. Develop a distinctive look with a signature color, accessories and so on. Work on your posture and how you move.

Ok I did write a post that described how to present yourself, but I never told anyone to “accentuate your best features”. What I was saying was, dress like a professional not like you are going out to a club. In dressing like a professional you will look “nice” so in a way I agree that you need to create an appealing package – just not in the way this article suggests. What this article suggests is that if you have large breasts you should be wearing low cut shirts, or if you have nice legs, where skirts. How about we all dress professionally and we are judged off of our merits? I’m sure all us smart, not so attractive girls (and guys) will appreciate it. Again, I’m not saying you can be a slob, I’m saying dress like you have respect for yourself as a professional, not as a model.

I suppose the issue I have with these types of articles is that they often try to say that women all act a certain way and we should act more feminine to get ahead. Perhaps they mean we should use our talents to get ahead, but as a feminist I look at these suggestions as a way of implying that women need to act “lady-like” and differently than men. Maybe I am naive, but I feel the only way for women to be treated as equals in the work place is to act like equals – and act like the smart, confident, capable women we are. This might mean that for a while women suffer because they aren’t “lady-like” enough, but eventually, with some sacrifice women will get where they need to be. Just remember, many women who wanted careers in the 50s. 60s, 70s and even 80s suffered sexist indignities so that as time went on women would be more accepted in the work place. These women didn’t back down, or purposely act differently to get ahead. They knew it would take time to change attitudes and they did so by suffering sexist remarks and put downs, and even unfair treatment so that we could move forward. Maybe the next generation (or current generation) of women professionals should take on a little ‘suffering’ by not conforming to these stereotypes so that future women don’t have to.

I could go on and on about these ‘tips’ but I would rather hear what other people have to say. Am I being too sensitive about this issue – (I tend to take feminist issue very seriously)? Do any of the other suggestions grate on you, or do you think this is the type of article we should be sending to young women in business to help them get ahead?

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This incident made me think about sexual harassment and how none of us really know what it is anymore. We all know that creating a hostile work environment is a big no no. We all know that asking someone for a sexual favor in return for career advancement, unwanted touching, and constant comments about sexual orientation or sex in general is forbidden at work, but beyond that even the most enlightened among us is stumped.

We’ve all signed those sexual harassment policy papers at work, but rarely if ever do they really help us understand what sexual harassment is – if you even read them. Training Time recently wrote a post about the importance of sexual harassment training, but in my experience these sessions are usually thought of with disdain. This comprehensive fact sheet can help you understand what sexual harassment is and isn’t.

I’d like to offer my own opinion about sexual harassment.  When trying to decide if something could be considered inappropriate ask yourself these questions “how could this be taken the wrong way?” “would I like it if someone said this to me?” “would this make me uncomfortable if someone said this to my sister?” and the often forgotten “who am I talking to”. Try to ask yourselves

Now a word to the ladies – As a young woman I’ve been subjected to behavior that may be considered sexual harassment in the past. However, 99% of the time the person doing the harassing isn’t aware of his actions. Again, we aren’t talking about dense middle aged men grabbing my ass and then claiming they didn’t know that was wrong – we are talking about subtle comments. For example, a man at work once told me that I looked like I lost weight.  Now coming from a friend that is a compliment, but at work this compliment could create an awkward situation. What did I do – I completely let it go. This person wasn’t judging me on my appearance, they just made a comment they probably thought I would like. I try to keep this in mind in most situations because the definition of sexual harassment is so broad. In some cases you can even use it to your advantage. Sometimes, if the person is a common perpetrator, I’ll let them know, nicely, that what they are doing is inappropriate, but if it is a onetime occurrence I try to let it go. BUT I implore men to remember that any woman who takes her career seriously doesn’t really want comments about her appearance because it will make her feel marginalized – no matter what your intent is. And while we are on the subject – don’t make comments about women to other men either. You never know who is listening (I have a funny story about that for another post).

One more thing – Women can sexually harass other women and even men, so this advice isn’t limited to men. Woman, remember who you are talking to and think before you speak or act. I’ve seen so many woman who think it is ok to touch their male co-workers (touch their arm, pull a fuzz ball off their shirt). Not only could this make the man uncomfortable, but it also makes you look like a floozy or airhead.

Any thoughts on what is and isn’t sexual harassment?

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