Have you ever heard of a fat day, or a bad hair day?  Women have these days when either they feel bloated or their hair won’t do what they want it to. These days can be really frustrating and for some women they can ruin the entire day. My big problem is low confidence days. These are days where I feel like I am not good at my job and that any moment the entire world will figure it out. I know I am not alone in these types of days because I’ve spoken with other women (all intelligent, successful and really good at their jobs) who feel the same way time to time.

If I have several low confidence days in a row I start thinking I picked the wrong career and that I should do something radically different. At one point I thought I should go back to school to be a nurse! Nursing is a great career, and after having to interact with nurses several times over the past year I honestly believe they have one of the hardest jobs in the world.  BUT – I don’t like hurting people? I could never take blood, or hook someone up to an IV.  So what am I thinking, changing careers to become a nurse? I’ll tell you what I am thinking, I am thinking that I am going to fail and that instead of failing I need to run away. I believe it is ok to have this reaction every so often, as long as you don’t give into the urge. I love PR and I think I’m pretty good at it (and I think my current and pass bosses would agree). There are some people who hate their careers so switching isn’t really running away, but if I was to change careers because I didn’t think I was good enough, that is exactly what I would be doing.

What causes low confidence days?

I’m not a psychologist, but I love to pretend I am so here is my best analysis of why low confidence days happen to smart, successful women.  One reason is fear of success; or rather fear that life can’t really be all good. Things are going well, your excelling at your job, when all of a sudden you start thinking “wait, things can’t possibly be this good”.  You are afraid it will all fall apart so you start assuming that you can’t possibly doing as well as you thought you were. Then you start doubting yourself.

That brings us to the second reason – doubt. Women are constantly questioning themselves. Am I a good enough mother? Am I too fat? The list goes on and on. And women’s magazines don’t help. They talk about how to be a better mother and this makes you think you are doing something wrong. You start doubting your abilities and then all of a sudden you think, at any moment I am going to get fired.

The third reason I can think of is the one that applies most to me. It can’t be a coincidence that the most intelligent, driven women I know are the ones afflicted with this self doubt. These women set very high standards for themselves. Often times they expect more from themselves than their employers do, and sometimes these standards aren’t possible to meet.  Then the worst thing in the world happens – something goes wrong, you make a mistake. Suddenly you feel inadequate, like you don’t deserve your job or that you are not good at it. You start dwelling and your inner demon starts in on you “I told you this job was too hard for you. They are going to find out you can’t do this.” Your mind forgets all your past successes and all you can focus on is the failure.

This is what causes my low confidence days. Sometimes, I don’t even need to make a mistake. I just start reflecting on my own performance and then I start thinking about how I could be doing better. I start wondering if others are thinking the same thing about me and POOF! There goes my confidence.

 

How to combat your inner demon

So how do you combat this inner demon? I can’t tell you how to make her go away for good (mine sounds like my voice with helium) but I can tell you how to quiet her down once she gets going. If the feeling of inadequacy is spurred from a mistake you made the answer is simple. Fix the mistake and move on.  Not that simple, I know, but here is what you do. Make a quick list of all the “wins’ you’ve had in the past week or two. Once you see all you are doing right you’ll feel much better. Plus, this keeps you from dwelling on the mistake. When men make a mistake they admit it and forget it. We can do the same.

If the inner demon pops up because you all you can think of are things you could be doing better, use this to your advantage. Create a plan for how you can improve. Include action items like programs or things you need to learn and then search for seminars and online training tools. Brainstorm ideas on how you could improve the bottom line (depending on what your job is that could mean very different things). This might some time consuming, but it is much more productive than sitting and worrying, or searching for nursing programs you are never going to apply to. Some of my best, most innovative PR ideas have come from these types of anti-worry sessions.

The bottom line is, most of us are harder on ourselves than other people are. Remember, your boss isn’t there to do you any favors. If you weren’t performing up to his or her expectations, they would tell you. 

Oh and one more thing – it always helps to air out your low confidence days with a good friend. It lets you know you aren’t the only one who has these feelings. I think that is one thing that has really helped me – realizing I’m not the only one who does this to myself helps me realize that I’m being too hard on myself. (Thank you Amy!)

Helpful saying (is it arrogant to quote your own saying?)  - I have never failed because failure happens when you make a mistake and give up. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, or had programs that didn’t work as planned, but as long as I learn from it and keep trying I will never truly fail.

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