Is this sexual harassment?
A few days ago a colleague of mine came to me with a rather interesting question. He wanted to know if complimenting a female co-worker on her cloths was sexual harassment. This colleague is not one of those men who consistently objectify women or judge them solely on their appearance. He just liked a co-worker’s dress and wanted to know if it was ok to say so. After a short pause I gave my answer … “it depends.” I know he was looking for a simple yes or no but the answer just isn’t that simple. I told him if he said “hey, that’s a nice dress” or something to that affect that isn’t sexual harassment, but if his comment was more along the lines of “hey, you look really hot in that dress,” that was a different story.
This incident made me think about sexual harassment and how none of us really know what it is anymore. We all know that creating a hostile work environment is a big no no. We all know that asking someone for a sexual favor in return for career advancement, unwanted touching, and constant comments about sexual orientation or sex in general is forbidden at work, but beyond that even the most enlightened among us is stumped.
We’ve all signed those sexual harassment policy papers at work, but rarely if ever do they really help us understand what sexual harassment is – if you even read them. Training Time recently wrote a post about the importance of sexual harassment training, but in my experience these sessions are usually thought of with disdain. This comprehensive fact sheet can help you understand what sexual harassment is and isn’t.
I’d like to offer my own opinion about sexual harassment. When trying to decide if something could be considered inappropriate ask yourself these questions “how could this be taken the wrong way?” “would I like it if someone said this to me?” “would this make me uncomfortable if someone said this to my sister?” and the often forgotten “who am I talking to”. Try to ask yourselves
Now a word to the ladies – As a young woman I’ve been subjected to behavior that may be considered sexual harassment in the past. However, 99% of the time the person doing the harassing isn’t aware of his actions. Again, we aren’t talking about dense middle aged men grabbing my ass and then claiming they didn’t know that was wrong – we are talking about subtle comments. For example, a man at work once told me that I looked like I lost weight. Now coming from a friend that is a compliment, but at work this compliment could create an awkward situation. What did I do – I completely let it go. This person wasn’t judging me on my appearance, they just made a comment they probably thought I would like. I try to keep this in mind in most situations because the definition of sexual harassment is so broad. In some cases you can even use it to your advantage. Sometimes, if the person is a common perpetrator, I’ll let them know, nicely, that what they are doing is inappropriate, but if it is a onetime occurrence I try to let it go. BUT I implore men to remember that any woman who takes her career seriously doesn’t really want comments about her appearance because it will make her feel marginalized – no matter what your intent is. And while we are on the subject – don’t make comments about women to other men either. You never know who is listening (I have a funny story about that for another post).
One more thing – Women can sexually harass other women and even men, so this advice isn’t limited to men. Woman, remember who you are talking to and think before you speak or act. I’ve seen so many woman who think it is ok to touch their male co-workers (touch their arm, pull a fuzz ball off their shirt). Not only could this make the man uncomfortable, but it also makes you look like a floozy or airhead.
Any thoughts on what is and isn’t sexual harassment?
July 15th, 2009 at 10:38 AM
Great post and topic. Great linking.
I like the phrase that asks if you would like someone to tell that to your sister. I also like to think in terms of: “Would I tell her this even if my wife was present. ”
Harassment is normally defined from the perspective of the victim. If she feels harrassed, then it is harrassment – even if it sounds unfair. Read your co workers faces for symptoms of discomfort, and let people know if you are uncomfortable. Early asserive notification of discomfort normally stops the behavior.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:40 AM
Its usually hard for me to know where that line is. As the only straight man who really appreciates good fashion, I tend to be inclined to compliment on womens and men alike when their outfits strike me as great (not to say fabulous). I know my close co-workers (3) know I mean nothing sexual out of it, but I tend to keep it to myself if its someone else.
I guess its not important at all, and no one’s life changes with me not telling you how pretty your shoes are, but well, now I know… unless I talk about your ass, it’s ok to talk about your pants.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:28 AM
We’re going through sexual harassment manager training at work right now (fair disclosure: I’m not *young* and employed; I’m *nicely seasoned* and employed). I just wanted to add that this issue is much more gray, from a legal perspective, than saying “it’s sexual harassment if the victim feels harrassed.” The reality is, in a court of law, on a gray area issue (i.e., a hostile-environment issue, not a sexual-favors-for-promotion issue), it’s only harrassment if a “reasonable person” would feel harrassed. It’s entirely probable that what makes one person uncomfortable would not be deemed as harrassing behavior by a “reasonable person”. That’s not to say people shouldn’t watch their behavior at work, but I find it hard to believe that a comment like, “I like your dress” would be considered to be harrassment by a reasonable person. My 2 cents.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:19 PM
@Meredith- that is a great point. there are plenty of overly sensitive people out there who would be made uncomfortable by any comment. The problem is, who is the standard for a reasonable person? From my vague understanding of law this isn’t just a problem in sexual harassment cases, it can be a problem in all sorts of cases. Who defines reasonable? The question becomes then, if someone makes a comment like “you look hot!” and the recipient likes the comment is it still sexual harassment because most people wouldn’t welcome that kind of remark at work?
July 15th, 2009 at 6:51 PM
@Jessica – good questions along the lines of “if a tree falls in the woods and no one’s there to hear it…” Who decides what’s reasonable in a court case is a judge or a jury. Who decides what’s reasonable at work is probably HR or Legal, and cascaded down by management (example or otherwise, at least that’s supposed to be how it works). In reality, no one’s behavior gets corrected unless someone complains. Your hypothetical about someone who makes a comment like “you look hot!” wouldn’t get to complaint stage because it’s welcomed by the recipient. Likewise, consentual relationships in the workplace don’t constitute harrassment. Keep up the good work on your blog – even we older folks find it interesting.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:09 AM
So from a legal standpoint in the state of MA “In Massachusetts, the legal definition for sexual harassment is this: “sexual harassment” means sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature when:
(a) submission to or rejection of such advances, requests or conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of employment or as a basis for employment decisions; or,
(b) such advances, requests or conduct have the purpose or effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual’s work performance by creating an intimidating, hostile, humiliating or sexually offensive work environment.
Under these definitions, direct or implied requests by a supervisor for sexual favors in exchange for actual or promised job benefits such as favorable reviews, salary increases, promotions, increased benefits, or continued employment constitutes sexual harassment.
The legal definition of sexual harassment is broad and in addition to the above examples, other sexually oriented conduct, whether it is intended or not, that is unwelcome and has the effect of creating a work place environment that is hostile, offensive, intimidating, or humiliating to male or female workers may also constitute sexual harassment.
While it is not possible to list all those additional circumstances that may constitute sexual harassment, the following are some examples of conduct which if unwelcome, may constitute sexual harassment depending upon the totality of the circumstances including the severity of the conduct and its pervasiveness:
*Unwelcome sexual advances — whether they involve physical touching or not;
*Sexual epithets, jokes, written or oral references to sexual conduct, gossip regarding one’s sex life; comment on an individual’s body, comment about an individual’s sexual activity, deficiencies, or prowess;
*Displaying sexually suggestive objects, pictures, cartoons;
*Unwelcome leering, whistling, brushing against the body, sexual gestures, suggestive or insulting comments;
*Inquiries into one’s sexual experiences; and,
Discussion of one’s sexual activities.”
In addition to the above, if you believe you have been subjected to sexual harassment, you may file a formal complaint with either or both of the government agencies set forth below. Using our complaint process does not prohibit you from filing a complaint with these agencies. Each of the agencies has a short time period for filing a claim (EEOC – 300 days; MCAD – 300 days).
1. The United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (“EEOC”)
2. The Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination (“MCAD”)
Because when you start to talk legal you need to be very careful what you say. Reasonable is not mentioned in these writings because if you feel you are being sexually harassed, then that is it – there should not and is not a reasonable line – simply stated one persons flattery is anothers harassment – be careful who you pay compliments to.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:14 AM
@addie,
Thank you for this information. I think it is helpful becuase this type of behavior still exists and few young women know where to turn or what to do. The type of sexual harassment I am interested in is the more sublte kind. The kind that consists of inappropriate comments about clothing, a co-workers appearance (whether they are hot or not etc.) and so on. These do create a hostile work environment but they aren’t as clear cut as “if you don’t do this, I’ll fire you,” statements.
July 19th, 2009 at 8:06 PM
@Addie – I’m certainly not suggesting that people push the envelope in the work place. If someone doesn’t like another person’s behavior at work, they should feel they can say something without fear of repercussion, and the other person should be sensitive to the issue going forward. Hopefully, that’s enough to correct any issue. However, I do take a little bit of issue with your comment about there not being a reasonableness standard. If it’s always harassment when someone thinks it is harassment, then an accuser would always be right – that’s potentially unfair. We’ve seen cases in which accusers were actually found by a court of law to be lying about their accusations. Investigation to determine whether harassment actually occurred is a very important part of this process. If there is no black and white answer, the concept of reasonableness must be used in order to determine a resolution.
August 16th, 2009 at 1:03 AM
My boss has always made remarks about the female employees clothing in our office (there are only 3 of us). Comments like “Wow, look who’s the fashionista today!” or “Wow, look who’s trying to win a beauty contest, today”. He is also always making comments to women over the phone, such as “I’ll let you get away with that because you have such a wonderful phone voice”. Or he will talk about some customer and then say “She’s really cute!”. These comments have always made me a little uncomfortable. But one day, when I said I had 2 appointments at the clinic I had to leave early for, he questioned why 2 appointments so I explained that one was with my doctor and one was for a mamogram. He then said “Did I forget to tell you, I can do mamograms.” I was shocked, appalled, and angry. This gave way to kind of a shaky feeling and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I get this feeling every time he comes near me, now, and whenever he makes comments like he had previously which used to only make me mildly uncomfortable. Is it ridiculous for me to feel this way. Am I overreacting? Is it sexual harrassment?
August 16th, 2009 at 9:22 PM
@Tess – I am not a lawyer nor am I an employment law expert, but I have to say that your boss’s comments would make me uncomfortable too, and I think it would make most women uncomfortable. I’m not sure how you would feel about talkig to him about these remarks, but he should know that you are uncomfortable. Does anyone else have any suggestions?
I would like to add, that these types of comments not only make you uncomfortable, but also makes you wonder if you are taken seriously as a professional – and that is why sexual harassment laws were created.
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 AM
Jessica, thank you for validating my feelings. I did talk to my boss about these feelings. I wrote everything down in writing and had him read it then he “talked with” me about it. He pretty much tried to tell me that I had no reason to feel that way. In fact, his words were “Did you ever stop to think that that is just my way of harmless bantering?” To which I replied “Yes, I did and I think it may be but women do not appreciate those comments.” He then told me that he thought that I wasn’t really upset about this situation but about other issues regarding bonuses and pay raises so I just added this in there.” The very next day he was back at remarking about the female employees’ appearances.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:43 PM
@Frank
I didn’t take it as harassment when you told me you really liked my heels–it’s nice to hear those things once in a while! Most guys don’t appreciate good shoes, haha. BTW, my dog subsequently chewed those ones up
September 30th, 2009 at 4:18 PM
[...] information about what you should do if you feel you are a victim of sexual harassment. But how are you supposed to know if something is sexual harassment? The definition varies widely because it can’t be perfectly defined. It depends on the parties [...]